worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
