I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
