After last night, I could never be a politician.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
