i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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