OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
