So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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