Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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