He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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