Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.