she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.