Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
