I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
