I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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