I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
MIDGETS
????
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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