i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
