My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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