I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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