hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
