Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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