I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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