If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She bit a glass in half.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
