I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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