I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
