Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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