Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
