i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
