Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
