Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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