I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
