my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
