Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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