i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
