1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
