I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
