I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Farmville is her only friend.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
