Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
