when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
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Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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