i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
