his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
