I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
