Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
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you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
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You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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