Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
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