Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He's a Shit stain on my heart
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
