I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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