The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
