I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
