I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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