I'm lost and stupid without you.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
we should paint friendship bongs
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