So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
