In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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