careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
