you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
