I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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