It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
