And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
