this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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