I looked at my own cervix.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
