I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
