At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
